I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
