I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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