dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
