i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
