we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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