Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
