dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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