i just sent this text using only my big toe
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
