It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
