Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
