So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
