It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
