the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
