My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
