She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
