Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
