what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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