cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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