I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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