So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
