My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
