Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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