Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
