you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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