2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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