john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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