who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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