Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
