she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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