You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
