it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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