remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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