Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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