This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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