Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
