Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
