im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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