Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
