If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
