i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
