Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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