I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
