good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
