Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
