Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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