somebody snuck up and got me drunk
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
