a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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