But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.