Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
