I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
