You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
