Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
