i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
