I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
