My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
