Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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