He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
