nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I could fuck to npr.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
