There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
