I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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