He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
