Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
