Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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